Vunerability

Now being a 19 year old and about to enter into my Sophomore year in college, I wonder if making oneself vulnerable ever gets any easier. I wonder if it is just me or if others in this world have the same problems. Sometimes I get the courage to say something that I would otherwise keep to myself, a thought that when put out into reality could be used against me or worse taken and hurt me, but then panic for however long it takes for a response. I don't know maybe it is a stupid fear that teenagers or shy people feel because they worry about what others think, or maybe that is just me. But for whatever reason it always takes me forever to get to the point where what I have to say or think or feel about something gets hushed till I'm comfortable with it. One of the best examples is probably in school/classes. In highschool it took me a couple of weeks to feel comfortable between the teacher and the students in my class before I decided that sharing my thoughts on something was important, and now in college it's no different. I still do the same thing only now it's probably worse, because classes are HUGE some with a hundred some students just doesn't make me feel comfortable with sharing my opinions. In addition to the size the classs is for a lot less weeks than a class in highschool so there goes that too. The sad thing is I do this with people around me too, I'll be afraid to share my feelings in fear of rejection or something thinking it's stupid or I don't know. So I guess what I'm hoping is that this annoying aspect will eventually cease or I get over worrying what someone else thinks and decide if they don't like it tooo bad cause this is how I am..hmm I dont know.

2012

Wow, so I haven't written a new post in a very long time, but as a little personal update I am now in my second semester of college in my freshman year. In fact this is going to be an upcoming third week in my spring classes. College is so different from high school, more than just in classes, the atmosphere is so different as well. It's hard to believe that just last year I was finding out what schools I was accepted to and what institution I would be spending the next part of my journey on. I have met so many new people here and encountered so many late night conversations about literally anything that happened to occur. If someone asked me to explain the experience of college into words, I just don't know if it would be possible. So much happens at once. For me I am living in an apartment near campus instead of in a dorm, but regardless I have met different people that are neighbors and live down the hall. I have met professors that teach in a way that is so different from high school, in my opinion it's probably better than high school on levels but many could disagree.

It's exciting that with the completion of each semester I become so much closer to my goal of wanting to teach, its so close that it's almost in reach, and that is definately a different feeling. Before you could always say well I have quite a bit of time, I don't need to picture it yet, but with more than just occupation, life in general is just around the corner. A conversation that was had in my apartment with my roommates and neighbors, the topic of marriage was brought up and they were right, that is a possibility. The people we are all meeting now, could be that potential person and to me that is just crazy. You always imagine what it's like to grow up and be in the "real world" but when it's just beyond the door all you have to do is open it, that's when it suddenly becomes so real. It's hard to imagine that in ten years the people that I know, and myself included could possibly have the chance of being in a relationship or marriage, settled down, with a family. It's getting serious and I'm not quite sure how I feel about this yet, it leaves me with a somewhat uneasy feeling, because even though it is something everyone wants, when it gets here, you kind of wish that it was still farther away. However, it is time to start watching and taking the reins, instead of someone else controlling that path and the responsibility.