And they lived happily ever after...or did they?

I have always been one of those girls who loved fairy tales and romantic chick flick movies where the guy is unbelievably sweet and treats the girl like a princess, for no reason at all other than because he wants to. I never thought this was possible to exist or that it would even happen, I also hoped that in some way it would. Little things are always more important to me than big grand gestures, but buying me things for no reason, and showing me how you care and taking what I love and incorporating that is all I could ever ask for, in fact it would be more than I would ever ask for.

Before I tell you where this is going I need to also tell you something else about myself, and that is that my parents have alwaays paid for everything. What do I mean by this? Well whenever I would go out to dinner with family members or their friends or anything they would never let any pay, in fact I became the one to steal the check from the other party if it came down to it. To add to this fact my grandparents are the same way, when my mom used to pay my poppop for babysitting me during the week she would have to hide the money on his fridge and then we had to run so that he couldn't try and give it back to her becuase it would object to the amount she had left.

So now to why this all matters, my boyfriend is the greatest gentleman ever, the only problem? I don't know how to play the typical "princess". For examples he ALWAYS pays, it doesn't matter where or what or when I'm not allowed. I get that it makes him feel like a man and blah blah blah, but always?! No he works hard I should be able to pay sometimes or help or something. He holds the door open for me, in fact will give me a look if I try and beat him to the door, and he is determined to "spoil me." To what I have told him is that I do not need such things and he merely responds, well it is what I want to do, I like to give gifts.

So today his latest idea is to ask me what my favorite kind of jewelry is, which is already a red flag that flies into the air when I read this. What is he planning especially so close to his own BIRTHDAY!

Many people who will read this I am sure will just say SHH and be happy, take it in because it won't last or because not every guy is like that, and believe me I know and I do appreciate it, but my thing is what am I supposed to do to make him feel like I put in just as much as he does. Is it possible to have the fairytale? And do I just need to get over it and let him do these things for me?

Who would have ever thought that a girl who loves all the romantic fairytale stuff would basically get that and have no idea on what to do and how to handle it..

Fairytales should of fixed this problem in them as well..

Sentimental

All my life I have been on of those people who gets sappy when one chapter ends and another begins. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to become a Sophomore in college and to have a new year ahead of me, full of possibilities. But at the same time I can't shake the feeling of that utter sadness that the roommates I had this year will be different when I return. I will be in the same apartment as this past year, and I keep thinking, "Oh, when I return they'll all still be there, same as when I left this past May. It was just a break." But it's not a break, and yes I know that I will still see them, but it's not the same. I love pictures to remember the moments, I'm sappy and get emotional at farewells. So to live in the same apartment, without the same people will be weird to say the least. I know change is good, but I don't want things to change, sure we had our roommate disagreements, but what roommates don't argue at some point. I got extremely lucky with who I roomed with, it could of been terrible, but luckily after living with them for almost a year, they have grown to be people I can depend on and close friends of mine that I confide in. I'll miss being able to walk out of my room and into theirs and say whatever, now I'll have to call or text them to come visit me, or make a night out for all of us to catch up during. I don't know, growing up sucks sometimes, not even the responsibility, but the change. The change of how relationships shift around you, and how fragile they are, or how strong, because now I guess it will mean more when we all get together. I know in some way I am probably being silly, that I should look at this a good thing, which on some level I do. I know it's good to have a break for a little bit and that I have more options to do stuff with since I don't live with them then we may go out and do more, since before we could just walk down the hall. I guess I will find out how it goes, I know it will be fine, I do, but I still know that I will miss living with them. I will be sad to close one chapter to begin another.

Vunerability

Now being a 19 year old and about to enter into my Sophomore year in college, I wonder if making oneself vulnerable ever gets any easier. I wonder if it is just me or if others in this world have the same problems. Sometimes I get the courage to say something that I would otherwise keep to myself, a thought that when put out into reality could be used against me or worse taken and hurt me, but then panic for however long it takes for a response. I don't know maybe it is a stupid fear that teenagers or shy people feel because they worry about what others think, or maybe that is just me. But for whatever reason it always takes me forever to get to the point where what I have to say or think or feel about something gets hushed till I'm comfortable with it. One of the best examples is probably in school/classes. In highschool it took me a couple of weeks to feel comfortable between the teacher and the students in my class before I decided that sharing my thoughts on something was important, and now in college it's no different. I still do the same thing only now it's probably worse, because classes are HUGE some with a hundred some students just doesn't make me feel comfortable with sharing my opinions. In addition to the size the classs is for a lot less weeks than a class in highschool so there goes that too. The sad thing is I do this with people around me too, I'll be afraid to share my feelings in fear of rejection or something thinking it's stupid or I don't know. So I guess what I'm hoping is that this annoying aspect will eventually cease or I get over worrying what someone else thinks and decide if they don't like it tooo bad cause this is how I am..hmm I dont know.

I don't get it

I just don't understand. I feel like I do a lot for people I care about. I wouldn't judge them, you can yell at me and yell at me and I'll forgive you, and if you are family...there's nothing I wouldn't do for you..I have been here for you for the last two years more than ANYONE else. I have kept your secrets, talked to you on the phone for hours telling you it wasn't you. But you can tell me that I don't care at ALL? That you put in so much effort and don't get ANYTHING out of it? Are you kidding me? Really?

I just don't understand..
What do I do to always get this response.. I have my stuff together relatively all the time. I crack like anyone else does, but usually handle it on my own pretty well. But I need someone and I don't get it. EVER. They always find something and can't help. All I ask is to be able to have someone there for me at any moment, no matter what. Not on their time not on their agenda. I just don't get how I can be there for someone so whole heartedly be sooo patient with them and understand and explain to others when they want to give up. Sacrifice if I had to and do ANYTHING but I somehow manage to not get the same respect I give to others or the same patience or same rules. I get judged, yelled at, ignored, things I could never do to someone I love. No matter how mad I am at them. I want to stop being the mature one and be at an age when people grow up and realize treating me like that sucks and isn't fair. Even if i forgive you doesn't mean i deserved to be treated that way. I'm not a doormat you can just walk over, it still hurts and I don't appreciate it.

I just want this to stop happening..

2012

Wow, so I haven't written a new post in a very long time, but as a little personal update I am now in my second semester of college in my freshman year. In fact this is going to be an upcoming third week in my spring classes. College is so different from high school, more than just in classes, the atmosphere is so different as well. It's hard to believe that just last year I was finding out what schools I was accepted to and what institution I would be spending the next part of my journey on. I have met so many new people here and encountered so many late night conversations about literally anything that happened to occur. If someone asked me to explain the experience of college into words, I just don't know if it would be possible. So much happens at once. For me I am living in an apartment near campus instead of in a dorm, but regardless I have met different people that are neighbors and live down the hall. I have met professors that teach in a way that is so different from high school, in my opinion it's probably better than high school on levels but many could disagree.

It's exciting that with the completion of each semester I become so much closer to my goal of wanting to teach, its so close that it's almost in reach, and that is definately a different feeling. Before you could always say well I have quite a bit of time, I don't need to picture it yet, but with more than just occupation, life in general is just around the corner. A conversation that was had in my apartment with my roommates and neighbors, the topic of marriage was brought up and they were right, that is a possibility. The people we are all meeting now, could be that potential person and to me that is just crazy. You always imagine what it's like to grow up and be in the "real world" but when it's just beyond the door all you have to do is open it, that's when it suddenly becomes so real. It's hard to imagine that in ten years the people that I know, and myself included could possibly have the chance of being in a relationship or marriage, settled down, with a family. It's getting serious and I'm not quite sure how I feel about this yet, it leaves me with a somewhat uneasy feeling, because even though it is something everyone wants, when it gets here, you kind of wish that it was still farther away. However, it is time to start watching and taking the reins, instead of someone else controlling that path and the responsibility.

101 Lists

Lately I have found myself making list after list, one list for stuff I need yet to finish before I got to college, another list for the supplies for school, one list for the furniture for my room..you see how these lists are piling up! For some people lists are annoying and pointless, for me, I see them differently. If I can not actively accomplish things at a specific moment I make a list, I used it for school, and obviously I am using them now. Every new list I make I one, get to forget about something specific so I don't have to remember it by myself and two feel one step closer to college. My earlier post was of worrying about leaving the nest, which honestly is still there, but the atmosphere of college is sucking me in.

By now I have been to orientation, met one roommate, and facebooked others about our apartment in the fall, and with someone drawing my attention to the fact of only 32 days, a little over a month till move in day, I can't seem to get passed the excitement. Excitement of everything, new classes, new people, new place. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that after a week the excitement will wash away and the realization of leaving home will hit me, but as for right now I can't wait. To tell you the truth I can't wait to be in classes again as well. Something about college classes seems new and intriguing, I am hoping that I am right. I do not know for sure where college shall take me in the next month, and I am sure my nights will be late as I have a weakness for procrastination, but I am glad that I am finally making a step towards my career and the rest of my life. So for now I will continue my 101 lists and getting supplies for school, until eventually I have no choice but to put it all in boxes and drive to my new home.

Leaving the Nest

It's June 16th and only two months until Fall Semester in college begins..wow, college. I don't know about other Seniors in the world but it is hard to believe that Senior year and graduation is over and now in the middle between highschool and college. When your small you always wish to be older, to be 13, then 16, then 18. Each time you can't wait to be a little older. Now being guilty of that myself sitting and looking back on the last 18 years of my life is hard to believe. 20's used to seem so far away and now they are only two..And college? well thats a mere less than 100 days for those people who are counting. It's a freeing feeling to know you are moving out and moving away to go to college, even if it is only two hours away, but even then it is wierd to think that everyone, everything, even the four walls that you have grown up in won't be the place you lay you head down at night. It'll be the place you have to drive to go visit, instead of waking up every  morning within those four walls. I'm sure so many people can't wait to be out of their houses, away from the parents they sware are ruining their lives, or away from the people they just can't wait to leave in the dust. But what I think those people are going to find out is just how much they miss when they leave, and just how different things are. I've noticed it with little things, getting mail addressed to me from a school, when normally it was to my parents. Having the place I'm going to live for the next year dealing with me, calling my phone and not my parents. As we take that step into a place that we are bound to learn more than we have in the past, we learn how to handle more of the stuff in our own lives as well. It's a strange feeling wanting to leave and being excited about the whole new adventure that lays in front, but wanting to stay to what is familar at the same time. Some may think I'm crazy but I don't think I'll ever be fully 100% ready to leave the nest..not just yet anyway.